A Sexy Illumi-Nacho
by SnappyDragon
Summary: Bill and Dipper oh yeah they f*** nice and good mmmm that is some good f*** they do. (LOL crackfics for life! This is a BillDip crackfic. Not that I hate the ship particularly, but I hate all non-canon ships, so... yeah. Expect the unexpected, which is a paradox right there.)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:**

 **What the heck did I do, and why the heck did I do it.**

It was morning is Gravity Falls, and Dipper awoke to one of the best sleeps he ever had, since Mabel had a sleepover with Candy and Grenda at Candy's house. He rolled over to find Bill next to him.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Pinetree," the nacho Dorito illuminati said in a sexy voice. Dipper jumped out of bed.

"Double yoo Tee Eff, Bill! Whatchoo doin' in meh beddy bye?"

"I'ma watchin' ya sleep, Pinetree!" said Bill, in a pose that suggested he wanted Dipper to draw him like one of your French girls.

"Can't you do that from not in my bed?" asked Dipper

"It wouldn't be as fun, you sexy twelve-year-old!"

Dipper was beginning to freak out. "Um, what do you want Bill?"

Bill's eye went all crinkley, which meant he was a-smilin' happy. "I want you to f*** me, Pinetree. I want you to f*** me good."

At the word "f***" a loud beep sound was heard covering it, but Dipper got the message.

"Why the ACTUAL HECK would I do that? HOW the actual heck would I do THAT?" he practically screeched.

"Um, to answer question one, because you loooooove me, and to answer the question that came after question one, get inside my top hat."

Dipper was scared. "Grunkle STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" he yelled.

"Oh, that won't do you any good," said Bill. "I f***ed him to death."

"WAT." said Dipper.

"Oh yeah," said Bill rather casually. "It went aaaaaaaaalllllllll the way up his liver, into his stomach, up his esophagus, and out his mouth. Then he choked. And he died also."

"What went all the way…?"

"Why, of course it was my -"

"NEVERMIND nevermind, Bill," said Dipper. "W-what is even going on here?" His voice cracked several ways.

"Oh it's so sexy when your voice does that!" said Bill!

"OH GEEZ!" said Dipper. "Y-You really think so?"

"Oh yea!" said Bill.

"Well, gosh," said Dipper, blushing. "That's the first time someone complimented my HORRIBLE voice."

"Great so be mah boifriend and also f*** me," urged Bill.

"N-No!" said Dipper, though now he sounded less sure.

"C'mon, Pinetree, c'mon, c'mon, Piney man, bro, buddy, boiiiiiiiiifffffffriiiiiiindddddddd!"

"Well… okay."

"Great!" exclaimed Bill. He took his top hat off his point and handed it to Dipper. "Okay, now hop inside the top hat."\

"Um, can you please explain how this will f*** you?" asked Dipper.

"Geez, what do you want, a resume or something? Didn't you pay attention when they talked about the birds and the bees, you know, the part where it tells you how to f*** nachos?"

"Um…"

"It doesn't matter, just go inside my top hat."

Dipper went inside the Dorito's top hat, and surprisingly enough, that was all that needed to be done in order to f*** a nacho.

Dipper climbed out of Bill's hat after chilling there for a while, f***ing him. Bill put his hat back on his head. "Okay Pinetree," he said. "Thanks for that. You're my boifriend now."

"Why do you keep spelling it with an 'I'?" asked Dipper.

"Because you're a li'l piece of shit, that's why!" shouted Bill, and then he laughed.

Dipper laughed as well, also.

"Well, I'll be back with more boifriend stuffs to do," and with that, Bill disappeared.

And that's how Dipper came to be in a relationship with a psychotic nacho-demon.

The end.

 **Author's note:**

 **Wow was not that an amazing chapter guys? Should I continue? R &R and don't forget to R and also R as well. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:**

 **Another chapter that nobody asked to be made in a fanfiction that nobody asked to be made. Thanks for the support, nobody!**

Dipper was chillin' on teh chair in front of the TV next to the dead body of his Grunkle Stan (remember, Bill f***ed him to death). Mabel was in the other room, swimming around in an industrial-sized jar of sprinkles. Suddenly, Bill.

"Heya boifriend," said Bill. "Watcha doin'? Watchin' TV? That's cool. That's cool, dude."

"W-what're you doing here, Bill?" asked Dipper, blushing like the Mars planet 'cause it's like right next to it's hot girlfriend, the sun.

"I'm bein' a chilled out groovy dude!" answered Bill.

"That's nice," said Dipper.

Silence reigned.

"So Pinetree, didja get my forty-two-thousand-and-eight-hundred-ninety-five-and-a-half texts today?" Bill queried.

"Yeahs," answered Dipper.

"Why'd you only answer zero of them, Pinetree?" Bill seemed to be on the verge of screeching. "Don't you wanna acknowledge how f***in' KAWAII I am? Do yous not wish it that I hoobglabble your shmoickholes until you flagpreegz all over your dodblodder?"

"I understood, like, half of that, and no, I guess," answered Dipper, taking a sip from flat Pit Cola.

"DON'T YOU FIND IT AT ALL WEIRD THAT SPELL-CHECK ONLY THINKS DODBLODDER IS MISSPELLED, AND RECOMMENDS WE CHANGE IT TO DAD BLADDER, BUT THE THREE OTHER NONSENSE WORDS ARE APPARENTLY REAL?"

"Um, I dunno, 'kay, lemme just watch my show."

Bill sighed and looked at the TV. "Watcha watchin' anyways, Pinetree?"

"Herry Pertter and the Sercerer's Stern," the sexy 12 year old replied.

"I prefered Herry Pertter and the Gherblert of Feere," Bill huffed.

"Yeah? Well f*** off, then," Dipper replied, trying to watch Erlberss Dermblederr and Lerd Verldermert, as well as Serverers Snerp, Hermernerr Grenger and Rern Wersler, and of cerse the tirtuler cheracter, Herry Pertter hermserlf.

"Don't you like me even a little?" asked Bill.

Dipper thought for a moment. "Nahs," he finally said.

Bill huffed and mumbled, "So tsundere."

"What?"

"What?"

Dipper sighed. "Nevermind. Can you just go? With the dead body of Grunkle Stan, there's only enough room on the couch for me."

"Ffffffffffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeee," groaned Bill. "But does it bother you at all that the dialogue of this, ahem, "shipfic", like so many others, consists of little more than rambling, "cutesy wootsy" will-they-won't-theys that are no more than distractions from severe lack of plot?"

"Not really."

"Well b'okay then!"

And Bolle Sifar left.

 **Author's Note:**

 **Yayz are not they uber cyoot togetherz? Oh joi of joiz 3**


End file.
